At first I was going to delete it because it really doesn't show anything and then as I looked closer at it I realized that it represents very well how I felt during the first few months of Hyrum's life. There I am holding my baby and life just did not slow down. I wanted it to but there was the move, 4 kids still in school, a 2 year old who never slows down, and the office that couldn't wait for me to "recover". I was in a foggy place, trying to stand still and life was racing past me, not waiting for me.
I can now say however, that I am finally coming out of that foggy place. My only regret is that I have somehow mentally blocked out so much. I don't really remember moving other than mom being here to do most of it (THANK YOU!!) and I wish I could remember more happiness and less crying when I think of those first weeks/months with Hyrum. I'm finding that as I emerge from the fog that I am starting to remember happy moments with Hyrum. I was writing in his journal and really trying to think of the peaceful times and I found that they are there, the memories were just consumed with so much other stuff.
Last Thursday I had a very emotional day . . crying for no reason, or crying for any silly reason that came to mind which just seemed jiberish and non-sensical. It reminded me very much of the crying that had gone on shortly after Hyrum's birth and I was so grateful that this time it only lasted a day and was done. The last few weeks have been getting better and better, less emotional mayhem and more mental/emotional stability. This little experience seemed to be a bit of a cleansing moment which left me in a better place. Now my head seems even more clear and it is so nice to finally see and feel glimpses of me again.
That whole pregnancy and post-partem stuff just isn't any fun for me. Someday I want to understand the purpose of all this hormonal, emotional, mental chaos and why such a beautiful, life changing event (a new baby) can't just be soaked up with pure love, joy, and happiness instead of being tainted with the physical mess that seems to dominate the experience. It really takes a toll on me, our family and especially our marriage. All I can say is "Whew, we've made it again"!
3 comments:
yea I'm not the only one who feels like this. I dont have other children or an office and I'm still overwhelmed and the fun had only begun.
I have been wanting to ask how you can handle everything, you always seem so calm and put together...I'm glad that I am not the only one that has feelings like you explained...I still want to know how you get through it...I think I'm at a breaking point (if I'm honest with myself)
I love the picture. It is a perfect representation of the feelings surrounding life with a new baby. Thank you for sharing your honest feelings. I'm glad to know that these things are "normal." (Doesn't it suck that these things are normal.)
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