That Old Familiar Feeling . . .

(Feb 16) I wrote this 2 weeks ago but decided not to actually post it because it was whiny and unnecessary for a blog (which it still it, but hopefully most people won't notice the backpost). Here I am again at 5:25 with all the same worries. LeRoy just left for the week and already, even after determining last night that I wouldn't do this again, my mind has started running through the list of what-if's. I don't know how to stop it. I try praying but that seems to validate the possibility of it all coming true, and I worry that I haven't prayed enough to keep it from happening, and yet trying to ignore it just seems to press it to the front of my thoughts even more, making the what-if's even more drastic than they were to start with. I can't go back to sleep until I know he is safe, otherwise all of my worries turn into disturbing dreams that seem so real and waking up from it leaves me really ornery. That doesn't start the day any better than just staying up. Spiritual logic tells me that it's lack of faith (or insanity) but I don't know how to flip the switch from fear to faith. Aghhh, frustrating! Luckily, the kids don't have school today and I should be able to get a short nap even if the little boys don't nap at the same time.

(Feb 2) LeRoy left for Montana about 15 minutes ago, it is 5:ish am and I have that familiar worried pit in my stomach. I know I won't be able to go back to sleep, I've been here before.

In 1998 LeRoy spent almost 9 months working on the Old Faithful Lodge. He would leave Sunday evenings around 6pm and return home Saturdays about 5. In that brief 23 hours I would wash and repack all of his clothes, refill his cooler with a weeks worth of 1 man meals I had put together all day on Saturday, we would go to church on Sunday and he would play with the kids for a couple of hours. And then he would be gone again. Levi was 6, Erika 4 and Derek was not quite 2. Back then the experience was difficult in so many ways but the part that is suddenly so familiar is the time that I knew he was traveling and the hours of waiting, praying that he would get there/home safely. I also went through this for almost 4 years while he worked in Jackson Hole, leaving every morning at 5 am and half of that was during winter months when Jackson pass is nearly impassable (or impossible, depending on how you want to look at it).

So this 2 weeks in no way compares to that time in my life except for the fact that he is gone all week and of course that sickening feeling of knowing that he has just left on slick roads at 5am. The pacing around the house worrying and nearly panicking until he calls is not productive but I don't know how to just ignore it. It doesn't help that last week they were in an accident and I didn't get my phone call until around 10:30 (not 8 as promised) and all the times that I tried calling him I just got voicemail because he was in the mountains of Montana. So the accident "wasn't a big deal" and I "don't have to worry" according to LeRoy but going off the road is going off the road and it can happen again just as easily.

Just to give you an idea of how messed up I get over this: I imagine up every possible scenario during that 3 hour wait. What if he is injured, what if he can't work, what if he dies, is the insurance in order, what do I do if the 5 employees are also injured/killed, who do I call first, do I pull the kids out of school, who could watch the babies for me while I take care of details, how will I live without him, how do I keep his memory alive for the kids, what if he flies off the mountain and no one can find him . . .

Ok - you get the idea. It's not pretty. Since I did this a week ago you'd think I'd just have a list ready and wouldn't have to worry about it again. Nope. He made it last week, now I must worry about it again this week. I am grateful in all this that he is only traveling there and back once each week, not daily. It is tough having him gone for the whole week, but I am a mess when every morning starts like this, I remember from the Jackson days.

I'm grateful for the work right now, I'll just be glad when trips to Montana and Island Park are done for the winter. Or I guess I should say when winter is over because the trips won't stop.

Now that I've mulled over memories, fears and emotions through this typing exercise I see how ridiculous it is. Not that knowing it stops all the crazy mind stuff, or the pacing, or the knotty dark hole in my stomach, but I think I'll go read my book and dive into someone else's life for the next hour before I get the kids up.

It will be a good day . . . right?? Please Heavenly Father, keep him safe!