LeRoy has been gone for six days. I usually don't have a hard time when he leaves (I see it as an opportunity to catch up on crafts and party with the kids) but for some reason this past week has been hard. Without LeRoy here I have found myself confused about what to do with my day. Not that he dominates my schedule but I do base what and when I get things done by when he pops in between jobs and businesses and what he needs done. I try to make sure that things with the kids are in order and that meals are planned so that I can accommodate his crazy schedule the best that I can. It sounds like a lot more work than it actually is because it's really easier when I have it all worked out than when I fumble around. This week I have fumbled.
I still have these boys to feed but I have struggled making meals. My brain has a hard time putting together a healthy menu when the boys are happy with cereal for breakfast; Raman, corn dogs and waffles for dinner. (Though they were very excited that I made a "real" dinner for Sunday and they have requested a "healthy" breakfast for tomorrow.)
I still need to pay bills and do the office stuff but I feel like a very lost secretary without my boss here.
I still need to do laundry and usually have a daily routine that keeps me caught up on it. Here I sit with piles of laundry staring at me and little motivation to face them.
I should still shower every morning but Hyrum's expectations are only to have a playmate, not one that has changed out of pajamas, showered, done hair and makeup.
I still need to get kids to gymnastics, school study groups, and karate but I totally forgot about karate and Justin was late for gymnastics twice. I cannot remember my schedule without LeRoy's schedule running at the same time.
I still need to go to bed at a decent time but I haven't been to bed once before midnight since he left. I sleep GREAT when he is gone. That sounds terrible but it's only because he tosses and turns so much from back pain and he talks in his sleep at least twice a week. That's not the ideal sleeping situation for a light sleeper like me. Most nights I go to bed before LeRoy because I do better if I fall asleep before he starts his night time tossing. But even with the opportunity to get a good night sleep and the habit of going to bed first, I still wander around the quiet, dark house subconsciously confused about how to go to bed without bedtime prayers with LeRoy.
My saving grace during the last week has been my five boys. Levi, Derek, Justin, Nathan and Hyrum are the best I could ask for! I adore each one in a way specific to my relationship with them. I can't imagine my life without them and the thoughts of all of them someday having their own homes and not living with me leaves me sad and a little anxious. It's a good thing I will grow into the empty nest stage slowly with at least 15 good years of boy noise in my home.
Levi has been home the last three nights and for about an hour one night we sat on his bed and talked like old friends. It's good to have one on one time with him and to feel that he enjoys being part of our family again. He always makes me feel special and compliments me for the little things that most don't seem to notice. His hugs and smile still melt my heart. That boy has always had a way of tugging at my heart strings. He is kind, tenderhearted, loving, and just really, really good.
Derek is (and always has been) my cuddle boy. He's a little big to sit on my lap but he still seems to give cuddles in other ways. He is always asking for a "real" hug (not just at bedtime but also before school, after school, when dinner is ready or any time that he wants one). He takes my hand in church and gives it a squeeze when I'm emotional; he puts his hand on my shoulder and gets eye contact when he says thanks; he sends me a "hey mom, how are ya" text when he's bored at school. He lights up my life. He shines with compassion. As I watch him interact with his brothers and his friends I am amazed at how kind he is.
Justin is my energy. When I try to keep up with Justin I do better. His is also very dependable. I can depend on him to get his brothers to bed without me asking him to if I'm out somewhere at bedtime. I can depend on him to do a good job cleaning the kitchen and to take forever doing it. I can depend on him to make me laugh. I can depend on him to sit with me in the quiet of the house when the little boys are asleep and Derek and Levi are gone. When the three older kids were in elementary school, and before Nathan and Hyrum were born, Justin and I were best buddies. We made fun lunches together, took naps together, took field trips to the library and Idaho Falls together, waited together on the porch for the older kids to get home, we did everything together. It seems that we are having more together moments again. I make the daily trip into town for gymnastics drop-off and pick-up and that four mile drive is almost like a mini date. I get to hear about his day and classes and friends without any interruptions. Many nights, after the little boys are in bed, it's just the two of us and I am privileged to listen to him practice the violin or sit in the family room with him while we both read. It's good to have my Buddy Justin again.
Nathan is the spiritual backbone of our family. His prayers comfort and teach. His desire to choose the right and to be like Jesus is a huge example to all of us. His tender hugs and concern for me often take my breath away. I want to do better knowing that Nathan is watching. Sure, he has hit a whiny stage and his lack of sleep from getting on the bus so early and missing nap time has taken a toll on him but it's his desire to do and be good that shines.
Hyrum is the heart of our family. He is at the center of our laughter and smiles. His personality radiates joy. I cannot imagine days without my shadow. I love having him fill in the empty moments in the day with spouts of random medieval trivia. I smile watching him wrestle with the cat. I tear up as he cuddles next to me on days that a nap is required, knowing that those cuddle days are coming to an end as he grows older. I am so thankful to be blessed with my Baby Hyrum.
This week the boys have been really, really good. Not just to me but to each other. Nathan and Hyrum usually play well together but for the last three days they have been the best of friends. There has been extra sharing, extra caring, more laughs, more games, more real together time. Justin and Derek have been more patient with the younger boys. During the last few days they have seemed to be a little more aware of home. More aware of what their brothers are doing, more aware of what mom might need or want, more protective of home. Even Levi seems to have had a home and family focus this week. I don't know if they have all felt a need to "be the man of the house" while dad was away but they have all been exceptionally thoughtful young men this week.
During church Derek leaned back against a wall and something cut him. He started bleeding through his shirt and his shirt was drying to the cut. After Sunday School he came home to change but then realized he would need to interrupt his priesthood class when he got back and that kind of attention makes him quite shy. Instead, he stayed home, emptied and filled the dishwasher, set the table for dinner (even with place settings and napkins!) and made a batch of no-bake cookies. By the time we got home he had the kitchen looking spotless and smelling yummy. He stood there beaming. I was so proud of him for spending his sluffing hour serving instead of playing his iPod or sleeping.
It has been a calm Sabbath with my boys. They are settling down for bed and I will probably still be up when LeRoy gets home around midnight. It will be good to have him home again and to start the week off with our normal schedule. I thought having six days with only half a schedule would be easier but I thrive on the crazy of our busy lives. I'm so blessed to live this life surrounded by such wonderful men.
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