Utah With Vivien and Justin

February 18, 2012

I had the opportunity to go to a sealing in SLC and decided to take Vivien and Justin for a mini-vacation.  While I was at the sealing the two of them wandered temple square and (I hope) stayed out of trouble . . . though with the two of them together there had to be some kind of mischief involved.

The sealing was beautiful!  Hollie and Grant had adopted a baby girl and she was being sealed to them.  It was endearing to watch their two little boys be so protective of their sister and seeing the family all together was a very touching experience knowing their struggles to have those three children with them.

After temple square we made our way to an underground pizza place that we had been told about.  Though the pizza wasn't that great, the graffiti was.  We had a good time getting some pictures, being silly and making memories.

We stayed at Kara's house for the weekend and on Sunday morning Justin and Vivien spent some time playing with Max and Zane.  I always love seeing my teens entertain the toddlers.

  

Valentine's Day 2012

Part of our Valentine's Day tradition is to start a week early for FHE and to have a box on the table throughout the week leading up to V-Day with envelopes that we have decorated and hearts to leave notes for each other.  The kids love reading the notes from each other and it is a good exercise for them to spend a week thinking of things that they love about each other.  We also did a heart for the Valentine's FHE with Jesus Christ as the center heart and each of us  having a piece that completed the heart around it.

We held to our 9 year tradition which did not disappoint the kids.  I love spending the hour stringing up my house with different colors of yarn to surprise each of my kids with a little their own little treasure hunt and goodie box of love.  Preparing for Valentine's Day is more fun for me that getting ready for Christmas.

It was fun to have first-timers Bret and Vivien with us for the string round up and to hear the kids enthusiastically tell of years past and how it gets more and more difficult each year.  They thought it was quite fun though Vivien was torn between trying to take pictures and winding her own string up.

It get a little tricky to follow each kid to be there for their candid smiles when they get to the end of their string with each of them ending in different spots.  I love seeing how excited they are for colorful socks, a 1x3 cube to solve, red sweets and a card.  I'm not sure if they loves the strings or the goodies more.

I didn't want to leave Levi out on Valentine's Day and I did offer to run a string from our house to his apartment (which he almost took me up on and I TOTALLY would have done - I'm that crazy) but instead I just took a Valentine box over to him.  He had texted me earlier in that week wondering if I was making lasagna any time soon, which I took as a hint that he was hungry and wanted real food.  This box didn't give him home cooked food but knowing that he was shy on groceries and this would be a step up from Raman I figured he wouldn't complain.  As he took everything out and layed it on his table I swear he almost started to drool.  He was thrilled and his roommates were convinced that it was the coolest Valentine gift ever.

My gift for LeRoy went along with a little joke that has been going on between us for the last 18 years.  When LeRoy started working as an electrician and taking lunches every day he became a little addicted to Little Debbie treats (they make me want to gag but they are cheap and he loves them so I won't tell him that).  When he started to complain about putting on a few pounds I teased him that his constant affair with Little Debbie was what was doing him in.  It hasn't stopped him all these years (and pounds) later.  Even the kids know about his "affair" and will tease him.

When I saw these pillow cases I read them a little differently than most people might.  I didn't get them to make sure that he knew that I am always right but rather that he would have an every day reminder that even though he still fosters his daily affair with Debbie that I am always his Mrs. Right.  He laughed and laughed, took pictures with his phone and laughed some more. Now he occasionally calls me Mrs. Always Right and he puffs his chest out just a little when I call him Mr. Right.

Justin's 13th Birthday

February 9, 2012

Justin's Epic Ninja Birthday was a hit from the moment he entered the door and saw his decorations.  He did a ninja kick and Hi-Ya for us to show his enthusiasm and couldn't stop repeating "this is so cool!"  The only tragedy to follow his party was found five days later when I pulled out the camera to photograph Valentine's Day and found that all of my camera settings were different and all of the pictures from Justin's party had been deleted.  We won't blame anyone because we wouldn't want Hyrum to carry that burden for his whole life.  Luckily, Vivien took a few pictures of the party.  The fifteen or so pictures that she took do very well to fill in the gap of fifty or so pictures that were lost in some digital black hole.

The epic ninja soda and rice krispie sushi with a side kick of wasabi (shelled pistacios) were the visual main attractions of our themed meal but Justin's all time favorite fried rice and soy sauce kebobs gave us some substance to bellies.

We had everyone wear black shirts and I had made monogrammed headbands using left over flannel from pajamas that I had made for Levi several years ago.  I've never seen my boys so thrilled about such a simple get-up.  My plan was to get a family picture with everyone.  We moved the table out of the way, all had our black shirts and headbands and Vivien (exchange student) and Bret (Erika's fiance) were with us to give us our most current family picture.  Unfortunately, those pictures did not survive the delete button and what we have left are a few shots of the boys trying out their chop sticks while I set up the tripod and got the camera ready - which Vivien took pictures of.  Again, I'm glad we have what we have.

It was fun to do a simple cake with real throwing stars.  It was simple but fit the occasion and Justin loved it. 

That night Justin, Derek and Vivien hung the pull-up bar that we gave him for his birthday.  The next morning there were many sore arms from the competitions that went well into the night.

Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel

March 29, 2012

I did my best to shoulder all that needed to be done but now I'm left with a useless limb and regret for pushing it to that point.

My right shoulder has been bothering me for about 3 weeks now but this week (after mixing 3 batches of jam, cleaning out the garage, moving some furniture around and doing yard work) I have lost nearly all use of my right arm. It was pretty stable at the annoying pain level with the majority of the pain focused only on the top of my shoulder and only when I raised it to chest height or was lifting/pushing something. Now it has graduated to full muscle weakness with very limited range of motion, tingling and stabbing pain down my bicep, and shooting pain heading into my neck and down the back of my shoulder. I decided I better quit ignoring the increasing pain and have it looked at.

Dr. Diagnosis: a “Grade II Strain” or in other words “a partial tear in the muscle or tendon of the supraspinatus" (one of the rotator cuff muscles). I have 1-2 weeks of physical therapy and then gradual recovery and increased range of motion.

My conclusion: physical therapy is PAINFUL!

Day 1 of PT: I wish I could say it feels better but I just want to strap this tingly, throbbing, heavy limb to my torso and perfect my left hand skills. I still need to use it on a “very limited” level to prevent my muscles from becoming stiff so it's taped up for a little support but no sling or brace is involved. There is no visual sign of an injury except for the constant cringing when I try to do anything. My 32 oz. water bottle weighs too much, raising my forearm above 90 degrees is too far and changing shirts is probably going to be impossible. Doing my hair is out of the question unless I figure out how to do it all left handed/one handed. I wonder if the PT will notice if I wear the same shirt or don't do my hair for the next two weeks.

At this point any movement leaves me fighting back tears. I've tried reading but I keep falling asleep. Now I have my arm rested on my laptop and have found that using only my fingers is pretty close to pain free and I have to admit that I'm not all that bad at running the mouse pad with my left hand. I’m not good for much else today.

I'm really, really, really hoping tomorrow is a little (or dare I hope for a lot) better.

March 11, 2012

I have struggled the last few days. My kids aren't bad, they are actually really great, I'm just low on patience and a bit grumpy.

Today in Primary, I had an experience that reminded me of one of the basics that I had let fall from my routine.

During sharing time we listened to short conference spots (stories) from the three members of the first presidency (Presidents Monson, Eyring, Uchtdorf). Just hearing their voices calmed me down. I could feel my squinted eyes and face relax, my shoulders and neck released the tension and I felt like I was breathing again. In just a matter of minutes I felt completely different inside. The grumpy was replaced with gratitude.

When I had a few minutes to myself to think about the experience, I realized that it has been almost 2 weeks since I have listened to a conference talk. I had been in the habit of listening to a talk each morning on my Ipod while making breakfast and everyone else was sleeping but when Derek, Vivien and I started running in the mornings and I was making breakfast with them in the kitchen, I got out of the habit of doing it.

Life and Laziness. That's all I can blame it on.

I really believe that listening daily to the words of the prophets helps me to focus and stay in tune with the spirit when dealing with all the mothering responsibilities and decisions I face every day. I absolutely love being a mother. No Buts About It. However, (not but) it is really hard on me emotionally. I always handle all that emotional mumbo jumbo better when I am on course spiritually.

I look forward to General Conference coming up in a few weeks. It always leaves me feeling loved and motivated with a boost to each {spiritual} step I take and the daily decisions I make.

Nathan Faith

February 2012

It seems like Nathan gives a primary talk at least once a month. He also frequently gives the article of faith during primary because he volunteers to do it for those who are missing. Memorizing comes easy to him and he grasps onto gospel principles so quickly. Though he is a child of great faith he still occasionally struggles with the extreme shyness that we saw in his first three years. Each time he has a talk we make it a point to get to church early so that he can practice in the primary room.

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Levi got his hair cut. It has been long for almost 2 years now and he did it short. Mostly because the girl he likes wanted to do it short and was the one cutting it. He was shy about it when he came out and I'm not sure he quite likes it yet but I love being able to see his eyes again.

After he got in the car and Nathan, Hyrum and I all complimented him on how great it looked, Nathan said to him, "are you going to start choosing the right and repent now?" Levi chuckled and replied, "maybe buddy". I love that about Levi. He may not have any intention on changing anything besides the hair but he doesn't argue with his little brothers over comments like this, he even encourages them in a way. He also didn't have his earrings in when he got in the car. Seeing his earrings was one of the reasons that I was nervous about the short hair. They just really don't seem to work on Levi. But, he didn't have them in when his little brothers saw him. He is very open about his opinions and choices but he is careful about what his youngest brothers see and hear from him. I appreciate that.

We drove Levi home and dropped him off. As he walked towards his building he turned around to wave again. I think he could feel me watching him. He is so good looking, so good hearted, so kind. His smile and eyes melt my motherly heart. I couldn't help but watch him for just a few minutes longer. He grinned in that knowing my-mommy-loves-me-way, waved again and walked in the door. As we drove off Nathan stated "I think our prayers are working, mom".

Nathan never forgets to pray for Levi. He uses his own phrases and changes them up frequently. Some of his latest prayers for Levi include, "that will find good friends; that he will make good choices; that he will remember that Jesus loves him; that he will remember that he is a child of God."

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We were doing a family home evening lesson on choices and the consequences that come from those choices - for good or bad. We were also briefly covering the atonement and how that helps us to correct wrong choices. After explaining the atonement in the simplest terms I could Nathan said, "it's just like Mrs. Parker says, do it nice or do it twice."
~Mrs. Parker is his Kindergarten teacher

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The little boys having a particularly hard time with each other one morning. I don't like you anymore, you're mean, you're not my friend anymore, go away . . . all the theme of their conversations. After trying to remind them about feelings, being like Jesus, choosing the right and finally leaving them to fight it out while I put some laundry in, Nathan came to me. He calmly stated that he had told Hyrum he still loves him even though he is being mean. He then asked me, "do you know why I did that?" Why? "Because of this" and he held up his middle finger. After a brief moment of shock wondering why my five year old was flipping me off, I realized that he was showing me his CTR ring. We hugged, I thanked him for choosing the right and told him I was sure Heavenly Father and Jesus were proud of him. He then looked at me very seriously and said, "we need to get Hyrum a CTR ring."

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After a brief boring spell following weekly parties at our house for some kind of holiday or birthday or social thing, Nathan seemed to be looking for a reason to party. Or so I thought. He asked when Harrison's birthday is. We looked it up from his kitten immunizations and figured out that he was born sometime in the first week of June. I thought he would be disappointed that we still wouldn't be having a party that week but I was put in my place when he declared with big eyes, "we need to plan his baptism." Nathan knows that Harrison is two years older than he is, which would mean our cat will be eight this year. I never imagined that I would need to teach a child why we don't baptize animals. His new eternal goal is to live with Heavenly Father and Harrison.

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During testimony meeting Nathan leaned over to inform me that he was going next. I've learned to never doubt his courage when it shows up but sometimes it does catch me off guard. When the person speaking finished, Nathan stood up and crossed in front of me only to turn around and sit down again. He looked up with pleading eyes. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him but reminded him that I wouldn't tell him what to say, I would just stand by him. He shook his head no, stating again that he would go up next. He really tried. I could almost see his giant spirit willing his nervous, socially quiet body to do it. After three attempts he finally whispered to me, "can I just tell my testimony to you?" So that week he did share his testimony. It was not the typical memorized child testimony that we hear so often but a few thoughts from Nathan on what he believes is right and true and what is important to him.

I am so blessed to know this amazing, wonderful son of God.

Favorites from Kahlil Gibran

On Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

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On Pain

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.


Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

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On Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

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Love that is washed by tears will remain eternally pure and faithful.

Winter Craziness

Vivien and Justin think that snow on the trampoline is an invitation to jump at night in shorts. To Derek snow means a warm coat, boots and to find a place to stay dry. Nathan and Hyrum go all out with boots, snow pants, coats, gloves and hats as they explore every foot of our newly covered yard.

Usual night time silliness with Vivien and Justin

This is how my kids go to the grocery store on a snowy evening: dressed for bed, dressed for summer and dressed for winter conditions.

Nathan and Hyrum love the Slovak shirts that Vivien brought for us. Hyrum swaggers around the house like a rapper calling out mačka (ma-tch-ka) as he looks for the cat.

A friend of Erika's left a huge roll of wrapping plastic at our house because he didn't want it. All it took was a late night of boredom and they found something to do with it.

Derek was a little hesitant to help Erika tie on her mermaid bra but he did it anyway. She couldn't walk on her footed fin so Derek threw her over his shoulder and carried her in to show us. Then he had to pull out his pocketknife to cut if off of her. When she held it up it looked like a dress so she put that on too.

And then Derek took a turn. . . minus the bra

Erika is usually with Bret but when she and Vivien do hang out it is pure craziness. Pudding through a straw is so much better!

While we hide from the wind and cold as winter drags on, the atmosphere in our home can range anywhere from quiet and calm to just plain crazy. No matter the mood there is always plenty of love and laughter to go around; someone to play games with; pictures to color; stories to be read; and music to be danced to.

Happy Hyrum

June 2011

Hyrum's imagination is a beautiful thing. He can take ordinary items and create a fun-loving world around him. He isn't attached to any specific stuffed animal or blanket or book. He loves them all.

Today he happened to be attached to Erika's tiger and Nathan's cowboy hat - which he informed us is a police hat when turned sideways. He rode his "pet tiger" all over the house, squealing like a siren, while capturing the imaginary bad guys.

One afternoon I found Hyrum climbing in my bathroom closet looking for band aids. I wanted him to show me where he was hurt but he was very shy and determined to do it on his own. After many failed attempts (band aids and wrappers left all over my bathroom) he came to me with 2 new band aids and his shirt off. When I asked him where he wanted them he gave me a "duh" look and pointed to his nipples. I did my best to hold back hysterical laughter and simply asked him what happened. "That's where Derek shot me. Fix it afore I die." He didn't take those band aids off until the next morning when he was sure he was all better.

During battle Hyrum is always good to bring his victims back to life. After watching the first Narnia movie at least a hundred times, he picked up on Lucy's ability to do 2 drops of her special oil to save a life. Now, in his own battles he will take out the other person and then bend over them and while pretending to pour something over them will say "drip drop". That's his cue that you are alive again and he's ready to come after you again.

Our carpet is frequently "hot lava" and to get from room to room without falling in the hot lava Hyrum likes to make paths of books, couch cushions, towels, clothes and blankets. And he always counts them as he hops along his safe path. I realized one day he could count to 27 only missing 2 numbers. That's how many items he had on his path.

While I play taxi around town I occasionally listen to conference talks on my ipod. Elder Russell M. Nelson was speaking on one such occasion. "That's Jesus talking", stated Hyrum. I told him it was one of Jesus' apostles and he insisted, "no, it's Jesus". I didn't want to correct him further and ruin whatever moment he was having so we listened in silence. When we got to our destination, before the talk was over, I attempted to get him out of his carseat and noticed that he gazing off as if in deep thought. I asked him if he was okay and in a longing voice he replied, "I miss Jesus 'cause he loves me."

Christmas Themes 2011

Flannel

Part of the feeling of Christmas is held in my fingers. Something triggers a happy place in me when I handle piles of soft, weighty fabric that magically (through hours of cutting, sewing, ironing and hemming) turn into my kids Christmas Jammies. My kids have no idea how many times I hug their finished flannels before they unwrap them. This is the first year that I won't spend December 24th in a hectic rush to finish my annual project. I even have them wrapped and I cannot wait to hug each of my kids wearing their made-with-love jams.

Patience

Hyrum taught me a lesson this morning. He has shown a huuuuge amount of self control to leave the presents under the tree alone. There has been plenty of shaking and handling of the two gifts with his name on them but he has maintained obedience to not even tear away one little piece of wrapping. When it became too much for him he brought his two gifts to me and asked me to keep them in my room.

It wasn't until later that I realized that this exercise of putting gifts under a tree and waiting and waiting and waiting a little bit longer is a great lesson in putting off what we want right now and waiting for the right time. Another side of the lesson comes for the giver. Nathan is so antsy for Christmas morning so that we can all open the gifts that he has carefully selected for us. He has to practically cover his mouth to keep himself from accidentally telling us what hides behind the wrapping. I'm beginning to think that our patience is part of the gift. I have found that to be true on several occasions during the last year.

Unexpected Guests

I was laying on the floor by the fireplace looking out the big window at the sun shining in. As I looked at our Christmas tree my eye caught the glistening of several spider webs strung about from limb to limb. I have looked all over Rexburg for tinsel to thicken up our skinny little tree but could find none. For some reason those dangling strings of web looked pretty. almost tinsel like. I looked a little further knowing that where there is web there is a spider - or more. Having a real tree brought in from the forest just a few days before has the arachnid risk but living on earth means they could have already lived in our house and had found a new home in our pine scented decoration. It didn't take me long to find 2 microscopic little friends curled up in little balls bathing in the morning sunlight right up top near the star.

As I gazed at our hidden guests, trying to bring myself to squishing them before they could multiply, I thought of the unexpected guests we have visiting this Christmas. A few months ago we would have never imagined having a new family member join us all the way from Slovakia. I thought we were done having kids and Erika was resigned to being the only daughter in our family. Having Vivien come for the year has brought with it similar jealousy issues that having a new baby brings. We have also been adjusting to a new personality in the mixture with her own set of traditions, habits and expectations. It has been a blessing that I never would have imagined. She will still be with us for nearly 6 more months and already we get teary eyed when we talk of her going back to Slovakia.

The other unexpected guest that crossed my mind does not bring with it quite so much joy. I realized recently that in a small way I have been going through a grieving process. The son that I knew for 17 years has been replaced by one that I know very little about and have little in common with. I find myself missing the bubbly, tender hearted, clean, selfless person that used to be Levi. When he isn't here for a few days and then returns from his party weekend I relive over and over the replacement of my son. The Levi in my mind that I was expecting to come home walks in the door with a cloud of drugs, alcohol and tobaccco surrounding him, gang like jewelry hanging from his neck and ears, a hazy look in his eyes nearly hidden with long shaggy hair, heading directly to his room in an almost desperation to be left alone. He has lived here for six months but has gradually been pulling further and further away from us, especially me.

He is no longer living here. Still, I find myself reaching out and trying to hold onto this lost, angry, young man. Not because I want to be anywhere near the smell, habits, language or attitude of this person but because I am tied to him through love. Little by little I am leaving the Levi that once was in my heart and memory and I'm learning to love the Levi that is now, no matter his choices or habits. It's not easy to watch him go from so much potential to a probie. Still, I love him. I adore him. Nothing will ever take that away. Remembering the not-so-unexpected Christmas guest, Jesus Christ, helps me to easily love and accept Levi, as I imagine He would.

Our Humble Tree

Our fake Christmas tree has aged dramatically over the last few years to the point that we don't even take it apart during the year because the branches are breaking. By the time Christmas rolls around again we drag our prelit dusty tree upstairs to stand over our gifts. This year I wanted a real tree. In the early Christmases of our marriage we learned that if we wait for the college students to leave there were all kinds of real Christmas trees discarded for the city to pick up. We would try to find a tree that wasn't completely dried out and rescue it from the dumpsters for another couple of weeks. I was willing to use our "poor days" tactic in exchange for Old Dusty this year and wasn't expecting anything else. One of our employees brought us a tree instead. One that he and his kids chose for us and dragged home from the mountains. We were a little stumped how to decorate such a tall, skinny tree with so few limbs to drape lights and decorations from but we made it work. I was hoping that tinsel would fill in some bare spots but we couldn't find any so our tree has remained rather humble looking.

I have found myself loving the tree. With limited space we only used our sentimental ornaments to adorn it so our tree seems to stand for more meaning that just a decoration. Caring for it by adding water every couple of days has taught me to watch out for my tree, to not neglect it. As I sat alone warmed by the fire and surrounded by the twinkling of Christmas lights I saw this tree standing tall in representation of this past couple of years worth of what I thought were trials that turned out to be gifts from my Heavenly Father. Through adjusting to and caring for and learning to appreciate these trials they have come to hold great meaning for me.

Simple Gifts

Each time a new box has been abandoned in our house the cat finds great delight in jumping in and out of it, spinning in circles while chasing his tail in it, and pouncing at the kids fingers as they tease him from the outside of the box. As I saw Harrison content in his latest box I realized that I too have come to appreciate the simple. The trip that Derek and I took to Mexico to help build a home for a family of four living in a trailer about the size of my bathroom started me on the "simple" path back in May. When it was time for school to start we simplified our clothes shopping. Our meals are still bounteous but a little less extravagant. More snacks are homemade using our food storage instead of store bought and prepackaged. Having the family all choose together to keep it simple seems to have made a greater impact on the kids than two years ago when medical challenges forced us to keep it simple.

As we tried to give each other ideas for Christmas gifts we had a hard time coming up with "wants". It has made shopping a little more difficult but more thought filled. On Christmas morning it was fun to see the kids so thrilled - rather than any hint of disappointment - at the socks, chapstick, favorite cold cereal, boxers, gloves, hats, books and games that they all gifted each other.