This is the view we enjoyed while eating breakfast this morning.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
1 Year Anniversary
This night one year ago LeRoy and I knelt in prayer asking what we were to do. One week prior our neighbor sold her house - in 3 days - and we had been offered the same on ours. We had no intention of moving in the near future, we were deciding how to remodel the bathroom and our bedroom, and I was settling in for the winter with the thoughts of a new baby coming in the spring.
Halloween day 1 year ago the kids were getting ready to go trick-or-treating and LeRoy and I were sitting at the kitchen table with the real estate agent signing papers to accept the offer . . . and a new year began. One week later, on my birthday, we signed all the closing papers. Three days following that I turned in floor plans to the architect. Withing 3 weeks they were digging the basement and so it continued. I remember vividly the feelings of guidance, as if we were being led by the hand and shown exactly what to do next. We knew it was Heavenly Father placing us where he wanted us to be next. I spent most of Hyrum's pregnancy making decisions about the house and thinking that I was just so ready to leave that old house behind. I didn't even plan on looking back.
I have a confession: since moving here I have driven past the old house at least once a week, either the front road to see the front of the house or the new back road to see the back yard. During the first month after we moved I probably drove past it multiple times during each week. I kept telling myself that it was silly, that there wasn't anything there that I missed (and hoping that the new renters didn't think I was stalking them).
Tonight I realized why I have had trouble giving it up. It isn't the house, I know all that needed to be done to it. It isn't the location, I love living outside of town. As I drove past it tonight a flood of emotion slammed into me. I could smell the kitchen, I could hear the dishwasher running, I knew exactly how I would have tiptoed from the back door to the bedroom to avoid all the squeaks in the floor. I suddenly had a clear understanding that it wasn't the walls or neighbors that I was homesick for, it was my own cushion of memories that I felt I had left behind, as if they were still sitting in a box in the basement waiting for me to go get them.
During the 7 years that we lived there, our family grew in amazing ways. There were baptisms, blessings, teeth lost, braces, gymnastics, the dog, raspberries, mowing that plush green yard, planting and harvesting the garden every year, the wind blowing through the trees that we had planted, the cat, kids playing on the huge slide that I was sure would break someone's arm, Grandma Hawkins staying with us for a week, the big Fullmer family reunions that filled the yard and house, birthdays, sunburns that came as a result of hours spent in the inflatable swimming pool, 7 Christmas mornings, sicknesses that we survived, the struggle of starting our own business, 2 car accidents, multiple callings in the ward, 6 New Year's Eve parties, remodel projects, and the joy of receiving a long awaited answer to prayers that resulted in Nathan and Hyrum joining our family.
I remember the Sunday of Hyrum's birth this last March and the peace, joy and love that I felt hugging us from heaven. Then Monday came and I immediately started thinking of the move, packing, arranging help . . and I remember crying for the next 3 months. I see pictures from that time and I don't remember much of it. I feel cheated out of really living and relishing Hyrum's infancy. Part of me feels like I walked out on one of the most beautiful, defining moments of my life and I keep looking back trying to find it's memory, as if it has been deleted by our change in scenery.
The move came quickly and suddenly I was living in a strangers house. I experienced great guilt at living in such a new, big place, feeling like I was undeserving. And I remember crying. I was constantly raining emotion from physical pain, homesickness, guilt, loneliness, inadequacy and experiencing all of that in a home that I didn't feel was mine. For 2 months we tip-toed around this beautiful building waiting for the community to admire it. Then when the Parade of Homes was over we were finally able to start making memories of our own, in our house.
Now I am doing much better. Having had major messes in the house, writing on the walls, arguments, silly moments, much laughter, friends over, sicknesses, a leaky pipe, a flooded toilet, hand prints on windows, gum in the carpet, fingerprints on the light switches and the holidays coming on it is finally starting to feel like ours. I have also truly learned that a better house doesn't make better memories. I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful, snobby, preachy or trite. I do appreciate that we have all the room we need (and then some), I enjoy having a garage, I am grateful for my roomy kitchen that accommodates all the extra teenagers so well, but I must admit that the memories we made in our cramped 70's home had nothing to do with the house and everything to do with each other, our family. No matter where we are it is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the laughter, sorrow, joy, sickness, sharing, caring, serving and love that make up our eternal family. Not the house.
I'm still a bit homesick. I miss that cushion of memories and I haven't figured out how to visit those memories without still feeling a loss . However, I am finding that as we continue to grow as a family in this house that this becomes home and I feel that at some point my memories will just all mesh together. Not part of this house or that house but just part of our family history.
Halloween day 1 year ago the kids were getting ready to go trick-or-treating and LeRoy and I were sitting at the kitchen table with the real estate agent signing papers to accept the offer . . . and a new year began. One week later, on my birthday, we signed all the closing papers. Three days following that I turned in floor plans to the architect. Withing 3 weeks they were digging the basement and so it continued. I remember vividly the feelings of guidance, as if we were being led by the hand and shown exactly what to do next. We knew it was Heavenly Father placing us where he wanted us to be next. I spent most of Hyrum's pregnancy making decisions about the house and thinking that I was just so ready to leave that old house behind. I didn't even plan on looking back.
I have a confession: since moving here I have driven past the old house at least once a week, either the front road to see the front of the house or the new back road to see the back yard. During the first month after we moved I probably drove past it multiple times during each week. I kept telling myself that it was silly, that there wasn't anything there that I missed (and hoping that the new renters didn't think I was stalking them).
Tonight I realized why I have had trouble giving it up. It isn't the house, I know all that needed to be done to it. It isn't the location, I love living outside of town. As I drove past it tonight a flood of emotion slammed into me. I could smell the kitchen, I could hear the dishwasher running, I knew exactly how I would have tiptoed from the back door to the bedroom to avoid all the squeaks in the floor. I suddenly had a clear understanding that it wasn't the walls or neighbors that I was homesick for, it was my own cushion of memories that I felt I had left behind, as if they were still sitting in a box in the basement waiting for me to go get them.
During the 7 years that we lived there, our family grew in amazing ways. There were baptisms, blessings, teeth lost, braces, gymnastics, the dog, raspberries, mowing that plush green yard, planting and harvesting the garden every year, the wind blowing through the trees that we had planted, the cat, kids playing on the huge slide that I was sure would break someone's arm, Grandma Hawkins staying with us for a week, the big Fullmer family reunions that filled the yard and house, birthdays, sunburns that came as a result of hours spent in the inflatable swimming pool, 7 Christmas mornings, sicknesses that we survived, the struggle of starting our own business, 2 car accidents, multiple callings in the ward, 6 New Year's Eve parties, remodel projects, and the joy of receiving a long awaited answer to prayers that resulted in Nathan and Hyrum joining our family.
I remember the Sunday of Hyrum's birth this last March and the peace, joy and love that I felt hugging us from heaven. Then Monday came and I immediately started thinking of the move, packing, arranging help . . and I remember crying for the next 3 months. I see pictures from that time and I don't remember much of it. I feel cheated out of really living and relishing Hyrum's infancy. Part of me feels like I walked out on one of the most beautiful, defining moments of my life and I keep looking back trying to find it's memory, as if it has been deleted by our change in scenery.
The move came quickly and suddenly I was living in a strangers house. I experienced great guilt at living in such a new, big place, feeling like I was undeserving. And I remember crying. I was constantly raining emotion from physical pain, homesickness, guilt, loneliness, inadequacy and experiencing all of that in a home that I didn't feel was mine. For 2 months we tip-toed around this beautiful building waiting for the community to admire it. Then when the Parade of Homes was over we were finally able to start making memories of our own, in our house.
Now I am doing much better. Having had major messes in the house, writing on the walls, arguments, silly moments, much laughter, friends over, sicknesses, a leaky pipe, a flooded toilet, hand prints on windows, gum in the carpet, fingerprints on the light switches and the holidays coming on it is finally starting to feel like ours. I have also truly learned that a better house doesn't make better memories. I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful, snobby, preachy or trite. I do appreciate that we have all the room we need (and then some), I enjoy having a garage, I am grateful for my roomy kitchen that accommodates all the extra teenagers so well, but I must admit that the memories we made in our cramped 70's home had nothing to do with the house and everything to do with each other, our family. No matter where we are it is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the laughter, sorrow, joy, sickness, sharing, caring, serving and love that make up our eternal family. Not the house.
I'm still a bit homesick. I miss that cushion of memories and I haven't figured out how to visit those memories without still feeling a loss . However, I am finding that as we continue to grow as a family in this house that this becomes home and I feel that at some point my memories will just all mesh together. Not part of this house or that house but just part of our family history.
"He really does answer our prayers" . . .
was Justin's comment.
To preview this statement: I lost my ring. The ring that I love. The ring that LeRoy gave to me for our 15th wedding anniversary to replace the wedding ring that I had never been to fond of but didn't tell him for about 12 years.
It had been getting very loose on my finger so I had to be careful when drying my hands with a paper towel that I didn't throw it away. Or even just cleaning up, doing normal things throughout the day. And one morning it was gone.
I knew that the night before I had been twisting it on my finger while reading and that I hadn't gone anywhere from the last time I remembered it to the time that I noticed it was missing so I knew it was somewhere in the house . . . or the garbage. I picked through 4 garbage cans looking for it, I checked my laundry basket wondering if it came off when I undressed. Nothing.
After 2 days of secretly searching I finally told LeRoy and he started the prayer brigade. All of the kids were praying for it during family prayer, we prayed to find it during our personal prayers and still, nothing. I was beginning to wonder how long you pray for something before you finally accept the fact that the material possession you are praying so hard to find is really gone. It's just a ring right?
Nine days later . . . Justin found my ring! He was playing in Nathan's room with the 2 little boys and saw it laying on the floor by Nathan's bed. After the initial excitement of putting it on again, calling LeRoy to let him know, giving Justin a big hug and nearly tearing up, I took the time to wonder how it got there. Could it have just fallen off? Did I absent mindedly take it off while changing diapers? Did Nathan find it somewhere and stick it in his pocket like he does with all of the little treasures he finds? Does it matter? Our prayers had been answered.
It was so nice to kneel as a family and have Justin (it was actually his turn to say the prayer) give a moment of gratitude to our Heavenly Father "for answering our prayers and helping us to find Mom's ring". Yes, a material possession found, but more importantly a gospel principal and promise witnessed firsthand.
To preview this statement: I lost my ring. The ring that I love. The ring that LeRoy gave to me for our 15th wedding anniversary to replace the wedding ring that I had never been to fond of but didn't tell him for about 12 years.
It had been getting very loose on my finger so I had to be careful when drying my hands with a paper towel that I didn't throw it away. Or even just cleaning up, doing normal things throughout the day. And one morning it was gone.
I knew that the night before I had been twisting it on my finger while reading and that I hadn't gone anywhere from the last time I remembered it to the time that I noticed it was missing so I knew it was somewhere in the house . . . or the garbage. I picked through 4 garbage cans looking for it, I checked my laundry basket wondering if it came off when I undressed. Nothing.
After 2 days of secretly searching I finally told LeRoy and he started the prayer brigade. All of the kids were praying for it during family prayer, we prayed to find it during our personal prayers and still, nothing. I was beginning to wonder how long you pray for something before you finally accept the fact that the material possession you are praying so hard to find is really gone. It's just a ring right?
Nine days later . . . Justin found my ring! He was playing in Nathan's room with the 2 little boys and saw it laying on the floor by Nathan's bed. After the initial excitement of putting it on again, calling LeRoy to let him know, giving Justin a big hug and nearly tearing up, I took the time to wonder how it got there. Could it have just fallen off? Did I absent mindedly take it off while changing diapers? Did Nathan find it somewhere and stick it in his pocket like he does with all of the little treasures he finds? Does it matter? Our prayers had been answered.
It was so nice to kneel as a family and have Justin (it was actually his turn to say the prayer) give a moment of gratitude to our Heavenly Father "for answering our prayers and helping us to find Mom's ring". Yes, a material possession found, but more importantly a gospel principal and promise witnessed firsthand.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Pumpkin Carving FHE
Last night we carved our pumpkins for FHE. It was a glorious mess with wonderful results.
Having been up since 5 am, struggling with a headach and trying to ignore the beginnings of a head cold, I was not really in the mood to carve a pumpkin. But the kids insisted. All I could think about was that I wanted to go to bed. Rather than carve a bed into my pumpkin I settled on a night-time sky.
These have been a hit at our house . . check out this recipe for delightfully disgusting Finger Foods :)
Monday, October 27, 2008
LeRoy's Photo Shoot . . .
A few months ago an artist in our area, Gregg Thorkelson, asked LeRoy if he would come to his home for a couple of reasons. We did work for Gregg a couple of years ago so just thought it was for more work, which it was, but he also wanted to photograph LeRoy in a variety of poses for some artwork he was doing. The final paintings would be hung in a church (not LDS faith).
It's not intended for the final painting to look like it has LeRoy in it - he was just used for figure placement and posing. LeRoy did think it was kind of funny that for each person he represents, Gregg covered in his bald spot.
You can also look at the pictures here to see them more clearly . . . Picasa Album
And also watch for Gregg Thorkelson work in the church magazines. He does quite a bit of artwork for the magazines and has done several book covers as well. And if you want beautiful portraits of you children to hang in your home he does a beautiful job of those. Not that we have put out the money for that but we have another friend who has and they are fantastic!
It's not intended for the final painting to look like it has LeRoy in it - he was just used for figure placement and posing. LeRoy did think it was kind of funny that for each person he represents, Gregg covered in his bald spot.
You can also look at the pictures here to see them more clearly . . . Picasa Album
And also watch for Gregg Thorkelson work in the church magazines. He does quite a bit of artwork for the magazines and has done several book covers as well. And if you want beautiful portraits of you children to hang in your home he does a beautiful job of those. Not that we have put out the money for that but we have another friend who has and they are fantastic!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
My Precious One
I needed something relaxing, calming, out of my ordinary day routine to do so I looked up the piano music for this song, printed it, practiced and learned it and it provided me with such a peaceful, memorable hour. (To listen to the song, start the playlist at the right of the blog.)
It was also the first time I have played the piano since we moved into our house . . 6 months ago. I didn't even know that I was missing it.
I first found this song around the same time that I started blogging. When I found it I remember leaning back in my office chair, rubbing my 7 month pregnant belly and letting the tears come. I was pregnant so of course I would get teared up but it really is a beautiful song. It is more than just the words or music that I enjoy, it is the reminder of the emotions and memories that I feel when I hear it that I love even more.
As I think back on this memory, the word "Cherish" comes to mind. It brings back a time of me feeling inadequate to bring another child to this world followed by an overwhelming outpouring of love, encouragement, appreciation and support from my Heavenly Father. I felt completely cherished by my Heavenly Father and in turn it renewed and strengthened in me the desire to really cherish each of my children.
And I must admit that I miss that feeling of being in complete harmony with "the plan" in bring another baby to his mortal body. I can't say that I miss being pregnant, just the feeling of being everything to someone, knowing that his very life was dependent on me and sacrificing my comfort, body, emotions, and time and even putting aside the opinions of society to give him a chance to prove himself in this life.
It was also the first time I have played the piano since we moved into our house . . 6 months ago. I didn't even know that I was missing it.
I first found this song around the same time that I started blogging. When I found it I remember leaning back in my office chair, rubbing my 7 month pregnant belly and letting the tears come. I was pregnant so of course I would get teared up but it really is a beautiful song. It is more than just the words or music that I enjoy, it is the reminder of the emotions and memories that I feel when I hear it that I love even more.
As I think back on this memory, the word "Cherish" comes to mind. It brings back a time of me feeling inadequate to bring another child to this world followed by an overwhelming outpouring of love, encouragement, appreciation and support from my Heavenly Father. I felt completely cherished by my Heavenly Father and in turn it renewed and strengthened in me the desire to really cherish each of my children.
And I must admit that I miss that feeling of being in complete harmony with "the plan" in bring another baby to his mortal body. I can't say that I miss being pregnant, just the feeling of being everything to someone, knowing that his very life was dependent on me and sacrificing my comfort, body, emotions, and time and even putting aside the opinions of society to give him a chance to prove himself in this life.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The Never Ending, Rotating Project . . .
Our whole family has contributed hours, labor, lifting, and ideas to this project. I am so grateful for the extra money that came in the way of a refund that could be put 100% into our storage. I also feel very blessed to have the enthusiasm and support of my husband and kids. It truly is a family project. We work on it together, we enjoy it together. This is one of my favorite things to work on!
The everyday foods. The easiest stuff to rotate :D
The 'cold storage' under our porch. Nathan felt he needed to be part of this picture.
LeRoy and Derek built these shelves. The top is our 72 hour emergency stuff: 7 backpacks ready to go, emerg. food bucket, first aid bucket and water.
Paper products, diapers & wipes, soaps, deoderants, lotions, vitamins/meds and all the kitchen stuff (foil, bags, dishsoap)
It isn't a year supply but it sure feels good to have this much together. It is so nice to have it all organized so that I know the areas we need to work on. Having a pantry upstairs also helps. Our current project is the deep freeze. I have a list of what I would like to add and we all watch out for sales. It is so funny to have one of the kids tell me that something is on sale. I don't think they have ever been aware of the price of food until we started this project together.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Woe is me, for I am undone (Isaiah)
Laundry - not done
Dishes - not done
Dusting - not done
Vacuuming - not done
Bathrooms clean - not done
Play with babies - done
Hugs - done
Story time - done
Listening - done
Me time - done
Honey Do's - done
Another day - DONE!
Dishes - not done
Dusting - not done
Vacuuming - not done
Bathrooms clean - not done
Play with babies - done
Hugs - done
Story time - done
Listening - done
Me time - done
Honey Do's - done
Another day - DONE!
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Tale of Two Frogs
Kara told me of a book she was skimming through while standing in a line at Kinko's. The idea of the book was to eat your biggest frog in the morning with the "frog" being the task that looms over you, you put off and really just want to ignore. Then you can move on with the day without that 'frog' constantly in the back of your mind. It falls into the same theory as "how do you eat and elephant?". One day at a time.
My first frog is the one that is completely neccessary and must be done no matter what else is going on. My problem is that I tend to put it off until the last minute or end up staying up until all hours of the morning trying to digest the bugger. That would be my office - the paper/money side of our company. Unless I do my part it doesn't matter how many hours LeRoy works his tail off, it would fail. Of course he would hire another secretary before that would happen but the point is: I just need to do it, consistently. So during the last couple of weeks, having this frog theory in my head, I have done much better. I get the morning phone calls, faxes, banking and invoices done by (hopefully) 10am and then the rest of the day is for my kids, home, husband and me - which is another set of frogs altogether. The rest of the office stuff gets done between 9-11 pm. So really I go to work twice a day, with the phonecall part of it throughout, and it is really working better for me.
My other frog is the exercising that I really do want to do but struggle to find the best time to do. I now have that in good order as well. I actually enjoy 'eating this frog' for 2 reasons. 1) I do feel much better when I work out consistently and 2) I don't have it nagging me all day long when I just get it done first thing in the morning. My favorite time is 5:45 am. No one bothering me, no phone, and no one watching.
And now that my elliptical is finally here and put together I get to begin a new love/hate relationship with this frog. It was so great to work out to the point of a sweaty shirt, tight feelings in my chest from a great cardio workout and no foot pain from impact cardio. I love it already, but wow does it make me work!
So what frog do you need to eat first thing in the morning??
So I have realized that I have 2 frogs.
My first frog is the one that is completely neccessary and must be done no matter what else is going on. My problem is that I tend to put it off until the last minute or end up staying up until all hours of the morning trying to digest the bugger. That would be my office - the paper/money side of our company. Unless I do my part it doesn't matter how many hours LeRoy works his tail off, it would fail. Of course he would hire another secretary before that would happen but the point is: I just need to do it, consistently. So during the last couple of weeks, having this frog theory in my head, I have done much better. I get the morning phone calls, faxes, banking and invoices done by (hopefully) 10am and then the rest of the day is for my kids, home, husband and me - which is another set of frogs altogether. The rest of the office stuff gets done between 9-11 pm. So really I go to work twice a day, with the phonecall part of it throughout, and it is really working better for me.
My other frog is the exercising that I really do want to do but struggle to find the best time to do. I now have that in good order as well. I actually enjoy 'eating this frog' for 2 reasons. 1) I do feel much better when I work out consistently and 2) I don't have it nagging me all day long when I just get it done first thing in the morning. My favorite time is 5:45 am. No one bothering me, no phone, and no one watching.And now that my elliptical is finally here and put together I get to begin a new love/hate relationship with this frog. It was so great to work out to the point of a sweaty shirt, tight feelings in my chest from a great cardio workout and no foot pain from impact cardio. I love it already, but wow does it make me work!
So what frog do you need to eat first thing in the morning??
Sesame Street Remote Control
While Kara was at our house and while we were at Kara's house, Nathan packed around Max's toy remoted control. . . the whole time (sorry Max). He was quite addicted to the thing and all of it's funny sayings and sounds, especially Cookie Monster and Grouch. I intended to get one for him while we were in Utah (not sold at Walmart in Rexburg) but I talked myself out of it. Mostly it was just another stop in a rather quick trip.
Kara solved that for us. Nathan received a package in the mail yesterday, along with his free book that comes once a month from the Dolly Parton Imagination Library. He wasn't sure what to open first so I suggested the book, partly because I didn't know what Kara had sent and I assumed it was something that we left at her house. We read his book while the box was sitting on his lap - oh the self control that boy has! As soon as we turned to the last page he said "All done, open present".
At first he was a little puzzled, squelching his initial excitement, and matter of factly questioned, "Max's remote??" When I told him that Kara had sent it just for him - to KEEP!, oh the excitement started to ooze.
He even slept with it last night, I know from the Sesame Street voices and sounds that randomly went off during the night, probably from him rolling over.
Kara solved that for us. Nathan received a package in the mail yesterday, along with his free book that comes once a month from the Dolly Parton Imagination Library. He wasn't sure what to open first so I suggested the book, partly because I didn't know what Kara had sent and I assumed it was something that we left at her house. We read his book while the box was sitting on his lap - oh the self control that boy has! As soon as we turned to the last page he said "All done, open present".
At first he was a little puzzled, squelching his initial excitement, and matter of factly questioned, "Max's remote??" When I told him that Kara had sent it just for him - to KEEP!, oh the excitement started to ooze.
I hope Christmas goes over this well.
THANKS KARA!!
He even slept with it last night, I know from the Sesame Street voices and sounds that randomly went off during the night, probably from him rolling over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)