ur.gen.cy (n)

1. The quality or condition of being urgent; pressing importance

2. A pressing necessity

ne.ces.si.ty (n)

1. Pressing or urgent need

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August 15, 2013

I have been known to be a worrier.  Some have even told me I border paranoid or OCD.  I am not in denial of this and at times I can step back and see that I might be a little irrational and that there is no indication that most of my fears and worries will actually happen.  Still, my mind has an elaborate way of taking a little tiny speck of wonder or concern and turning it into a full blown production of real live drama with graphic images flashing across my mind and horrible nightmares robbing me of sleep.  

I'm not talking about the little things like sticky food spots on the kitchen floor or wearing the same clothes for a couple of days because the laundry maid didn't show up, though those things still make it to my OCD list.  I'm talking about the overwhelming fear of one or all of my children being in some horrible accident that leaves them dead or, worse yet, stuck in a life of pain or regret.  Or the recurring nightmare of my husband soaring over the edge of Jackson Pass to his death, leaving me to face all my insecurities of closing up all the jobs he is on, selling all his electrical equipment, making phone calls and arrangements, informing his family, and most worrisome of all, telling our kids.  

See?  

This goes beyond basic worry right into insanity.  

This is the kind of imagined drama that dominates far to many of my daily thoughts.

Until recently. 

In January something started to change.  Actually, I realized that during the previous months those fear-filled images were less frequent and when they came up I was learning how to push them aside.  In January a new "worry" showed up but it didn't really fall into my normal (haha) worry patterns.  Only recently have I been able to put a realistic label on it.... Urgency.  

It doesn't involve panic or fear. 

Just an urgency.  A Need.  A Necessity.

I feel an urgency to be with my kids. An urgency to laugh with them, to listen better, to comfort more, to really see them, to love them with a greater love.  I feel an urgency to spend as much time as I can making memories with them and to record it.  It's not to fill over-the-top cutesy scrapbooks or to write up humorous descriptive blog posts or even to fill a multi-paged Christmas letter with all the amazing things we've done during the year.  It doesn't nag at me, I'm completely enjoying it.

I've set aside some of my hobbies now and I haven't seen my own friends in a while. Am I losing myself?  Perhaps a little of who I used to think I was but the person that I am finding is closer to who I want to be.  I can pick up my hobbies again later; true friends will still be friends. The housework isn't always done and some days we wear pajamas until the early afternoon but as long as I'm with my kids it's okay.  For the first time in 11 years I actually dread having a job (even though my office is at home).  Sure, there have always been parts of my job that I would put off until the last minute (quarterly taxes) but this is the first time that I don't seem to find satisfaction in doing it.  I just get the job done and out of the way so that I can have my own play time with my offspring playmates.  It may seem that I have tunnel vision but I know that eventually I will learn how to balance family, work, hobbies, friends, and responsibilities again.  When the urgency calms a little.

Sometimes I take a few minutes to wonder.  Is this a prompting?  A warning?  Is there something ahead that will require looking back on this amazing time to simply make it through?  It could be.  It might not be.  It's most likely just a time and season thing with such varying age ranges and needs under the same roof. Whatever it is, I feel complete peace and I don't "what if" away my time now for what may come in the future. I am grateful for this calm season in our lives to recover from the strain of the last few years and pray that we can hold onto these happy memories and strengthened relationships forever, come what may.  

Our family structure has changed a little with Levi moving out and back in (and out and in again), Vivien coming, Vivien leaving, Bret joining us, and Erika moving out but we have always had each other close (and in Vivien's case we e-mail almost daily and we knew she would be coming back).  In the near future that structure will change again. In ten days Vivien will fly back to Slovakia and this time we don't know when we will see her again. In twelve days my baby Hyrum starts school and Justin starts High School. Bret and Erika are moving to Denver for an internship in April.  Derek is making plans for a mission next summer.  Levi is still unsure of his future but change is sure to come. Surprisingly, I feel rather calm about all of this instead of my worry meter spiking out of control.

I love seeing my children (including Vivien and Bret) grow up, making adult sized choices and succeeding in their endeavors.  I love the relationships that I have with each of them.  The random texts, e-mails, and phone calls just to say "hi" or "I love you" completely make my day. When they invite me to hang out with them and their friends or I get texts from their friends, I can't help but smile and have fun with this extended "family".  The daily hugs, conversations, laughs, silliness, embarrassing moments, growing pains and cuddles make this a wonderful life.  Being their mother is an honor.  I have fallen completely in love with this quirky, lovable, wonderful family that is mine.  Eternity is going to be so much fun!