Throughout the week before Vivien left I became somewhat emotionally numb. I knew she was packing and I knew I would have to drop her off at the airport but I couldn't emotionally acknowledge that. During family pictures and the watermelon party I only focused on the joy of having us all together. By the time Sunday came it was starting to sink in. Still, I kept myself emotionally distant.
We went to church with Vivien joining us one last time. As we all sat there together while Justin gave his talk I was overcome with a great love for this family that supports and encourages one another. After sacrament meeting I thought she would go home with Bret & Erika (Bret had meeting) so that she could finish packing but instead she came to primary with me. For our welcome song (which was more of a goodbye song) the primary sang Nephi's Courage to her. After church Vivien and I went to the temple.
She took some more pictures as we walked around the grounds. It was a beautiful, hot summer day so we stopped in the shade on the north side of the temple and sat in the grass talking and overlooking the whole city. We became so comfortable, and our conversation quite in depth of each other's afterlife perspectives, that we both ended up laying in the grass. It was so peaceful and wonderful to have this time with her.
Later that afternoon we had a neighborhood picnic for one of the ladies moving out so we all went over for desserts and visiting.
And then reality smacked our emotions around. I was taking Vivien to Utah so everyone else said their goodbyes at the house. It was so hard to actually leave! The boys were crying, Vivien was crying, I was crying. Vivien and I didn't really know what to say and probably couldn't have if we knew what to say because tears were so close to the surface. Finally, she climbed in the back and slept to the comfort of her music.
We made a stop to say goodbye to Kate's family and then went on to Kara's to spend the night. We should have gone to bed early because we had to get up so early but it was our last night and we didn't want to go to bed so we watched a movie (I slept through most of it). The next morning we got to the airport in plenty of time, check in went smooth and we hung around in the check in lobby for as long as we dared before the security line started to get really long. I stayed near the line, catching a glimpse of her each time the line looped around my direction. What I really wanted to do was yank her out of the line and take her home. With my phone I captured my last live glimpses of her and then she was gone.
I stayed in the lobby so that we could text until she boarded. I didn't want to be texting while driving and I wanted every last minute with her even if it was only through text. Once she was on the plane I left the airport. Then it all became real and I could hardly see through my tears to drive. We had such a great summer! I love spending time with Vivien and as I drove the four hours home I could already feel the empty spot growing in me. It will forever be there, a holding place in my heart for Vivien. I am so very grateful for email and the international post but it just is not the same as having her hear to hug and laugh with and cry with and be silly with.
Update: Life continues. We email. Her life is busy, my life is busy. One day in November (the 15th to be exact) it really hit me how much I miss her. I ended up really crying it out for the first time since that long ride home from the airport on August 26th. Here is a copy of the email that I sent her:
I was innocently working in my office with one of my playlists going and when this song came on I completely stopped, sat back in my chair, thought of you and cried for a few minutes.
YOU are one of the most important people in my life! There are times when something funny is happening and I can almost hear your laugh mixed in with our laughter. Or, I go to get something out of your room and as soon as I open the door I pause because I'm surprised that it doesn't have your stuff in it anymore. Blogging has been a little hard because it makes me wish you were here so that we could laugh over the pictures and tell our favorite parts of the summer. At least once a week I have an empty feeling when everyone gets home from school or comes to dinner or family prayer and I realize that the empty feeling is because you are not with us. Every time we sing Nephi's Courage in Primary I almost cry. When we sing for FHE I wish you were here to giggle with us at our terrible singing voices.
And then there are silly things like cooking beef or pork and accidentally planning what you will be able to eat because you don't like beef or pork. Or, I have bread go bad because no one else will eat the rye bread with me. Going into town just isn't fun anymore. Broulims is boring. Walmart is lame. For me, Rexburg is just not the same without you.
I hope you know that I love you as one of my own children and as a best friend. You have made my life better! You have made our family better. You are part of our memories and stories and you come up frequently in conversations. We have been very iffy in our emails but it doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about you. You are in my prayers morning and night. I wonder about your studies and travels and friends and wish we had our time at night to chat while the boys are watching boy movies.
Thank you for bringing such joy to my life! This song says everything that I can't (my tears are in the way).
I love you forever!!
♥ Mom
P.S. You don't need to watch the video, it's just random pictures....just close your eyes and listen. The song is from an LDS book (Charly) that was made into a movie. I was so excited when they made the movie a few years ago because it was one of my favorite books as a teenager :D
Just a Heartbeat Away
Jenny Jordan Frogley
Dreams seem so far away
And other times just right around the corner
And I know you're gone but I'm amazed how close you feel
And we both hold on, the love we have is real
I close my eyes
And feel you near
In every dream
In every tear
In every memory
That doesn't fade away
And it feels like forever
Is just a heartbeat away.
Days may come and go
Then suddenly,oh, time won't seem to matter
There's a space between us but love can span the distance
We can reach beyond these walls until I'll be with you
I close my eyes
And feel you near
In every dream
In every tear
In every memory
That doesn't fade away
And it feels like forever
Is just a heartbeat away.
People say that I'll forget
And time will dry away my tears
But how could they know what it feels like
When all the words we've ever shared
Have left their shadows everywhere
And every single falling star
Makes me want to be where you are
I close my eyes
And feel you near
In every dream
In every tear
In every memory
That doesn't fade away
And it feels like forever
Is just a heartbeat away
And it feels like forever
Is just a heartbeat away
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