Was it really only 2 weeks?

It feels like I have lived a month in 2 weeks. Having LeRoy in Montana for 2 weeks and only being home on the weekends has left me with a little more responsibility at home (like locking up at night, taking the garbage to the road, taking the mail out, you know . . all that little stuff that he does that makes my part easier) and feeling more vulnerable to the manipulations of teenagers and toddlers with no backup showing up every night. As I look back on it, it has gone by rather quickly but living it just seems to drag on.

One of the hardest times of the day was putting Nathan to bed. He would constantly fight me and yell, "no, daddy snug me in bed". How could I be upset? But it is a little upsetting when he just needs to go to bed. So we created a routine that he would call his dad at night right before bed. The conversations were priceless, at least from what I was allowed to listen in on before he instisted that I leave the room so he could "talka dad".

"Daddeeee! You're my tigger buddy. Dood. Playing wif Hiam. Read stories. I watch tars (Cars). I yike Yightning Matween. I don't yike dinner. No, I don't yike it. I yuv you too. I yuv you most. No I yuv you most. Otay. I don't wanna be dood. Otay. Hiam trying (crying). I not tired. I yuv you too. Tell Yiddle Yam (Little Lamb) night night. See y'ater. Bye."

I wish I could record moments like these but if I pull out the camera he gets mad because he's "talking to dad" and doesn't want me. It's been like this since he was an infant. This kid just really likes his dad.

Thankfully we have LeRoy in town this week but then he will be gone again for the next two. After that I will be leaving for nine days. Will anyone miss me tucking them in bed at night?

That Old Familiar Feeling . . .

(Feb 16) I wrote this 2 weeks ago but decided not to actually post it because it was whiny and unnecessary for a blog (which it still it, but hopefully most people won't notice the backpost). Here I am again at 5:25 with all the same worries. LeRoy just left for the week and already, even after determining last night that I wouldn't do this again, my mind has started running through the list of what-if's. I don't know how to stop it. I try praying but that seems to validate the possibility of it all coming true, and I worry that I haven't prayed enough to keep it from happening, and yet trying to ignore it just seems to press it to the front of my thoughts even more, making the what-if's even more drastic than they were to start with. I can't go back to sleep until I know he is safe, otherwise all of my worries turn into disturbing dreams that seem so real and waking up from it leaves me really ornery. That doesn't start the day any better than just staying up. Spiritual logic tells me that it's lack of faith (or insanity) but I don't know how to flip the switch from fear to faith. Aghhh, frustrating! Luckily, the kids don't have school today and I should be able to get a short nap even if the little boys don't nap at the same time.

(Feb 2) LeRoy left for Montana about 15 minutes ago, it is 5:ish am and I have that familiar worried pit in my stomach. I know I won't be able to go back to sleep, I've been here before.

In 1998 LeRoy spent almost 9 months working on the Old Faithful Lodge. He would leave Sunday evenings around 6pm and return home Saturdays about 5. In that brief 23 hours I would wash and repack all of his clothes, refill his cooler with a weeks worth of 1 man meals I had put together all day on Saturday, we would go to church on Sunday and he would play with the kids for a couple of hours. And then he would be gone again. Levi was 6, Erika 4 and Derek was not quite 2. Back then the experience was difficult in so many ways but the part that is suddenly so familiar is the time that I knew he was traveling and the hours of waiting, praying that he would get there/home safely. I also went through this for almost 4 years while he worked in Jackson Hole, leaving every morning at 5 am and half of that was during winter months when Jackson pass is nearly impassable (or impossible, depending on how you want to look at it).

So this 2 weeks in no way compares to that time in my life except for the fact that he is gone all week and of course that sickening feeling of knowing that he has just left on slick roads at 5am. The pacing around the house worrying and nearly panicking until he calls is not productive but I don't know how to just ignore it. It doesn't help that last week they were in an accident and I didn't get my phone call until around 10:30 (not 8 as promised) and all the times that I tried calling him I just got voicemail because he was in the mountains of Montana. So the accident "wasn't a big deal" and I "don't have to worry" according to LeRoy but going off the road is going off the road and it can happen again just as easily.

Just to give you an idea of how messed up I get over this: I imagine up every possible scenario during that 3 hour wait. What if he is injured, what if he can't work, what if he dies, is the insurance in order, what do I do if the 5 employees are also injured/killed, who do I call first, do I pull the kids out of school, who could watch the babies for me while I take care of details, how will I live without him, how do I keep his memory alive for the kids, what if he flies off the mountain and no one can find him . . .

Ok - you get the idea. It's not pretty. Since I did this a week ago you'd think I'd just have a list ready and wouldn't have to worry about it again. Nope. He made it last week, now I must worry about it again this week. I am grateful in all this that he is only traveling there and back once each week, not daily. It is tough having him gone for the whole week, but I am a mess when every morning starts like this, I remember from the Jackson days.

I'm grateful for the work right now, I'll just be glad when trips to Montana and Island Park are done for the winter. Or I guess I should say when winter is over because the trips won't stop.

Now that I've mulled over memories, fears and emotions through this typing exercise I see how ridiculous it is. Not that knowing it stops all the crazy mind stuff, or the pacing, or the knotty dark hole in my stomach, but I think I'll go read my book and dive into someone else's life for the next hour before I get the kids up.

It will be a good day . . . right?? Please Heavenly Father, keep him safe!

Monsters and Books

I was watching Nathan jump on my bed (we don't fluff the pillows but the mattress gets a work over just about daily), and I became a little jealous of his imagination. His arms were punching in rhythm with the jumping in Ty-Bo like moves and as he faced the mirror on the dresser he'd make mean faces and punching sounds. I asked what he was doing and he replied "I'm beating Randal".

Randal and Zerg are the two monsters that he must face each night as he goes to bed, even though we have defeated them the night before and both Monsters Inc and Toy Story have been removed from Nathan's viewing choices.

Why can't I just jump on the bed and punch out my monster fears?

LeRoy went to check on the boys during our nightly rounds and found Nathan sitting behind his door, which was about half way open, sound asleep with a handful of books surrounding him. I couldn't help but grin as LeRoy told me this, remembering myself hiding behind a door to read with the light coming from the next room. LeRoy's comment, "well we know which parent he doesn't get that from". I only wish I could have seen it!

This isn't the first time Nathan has fallen asleep with a book . . .

taken almost a year ago.

The way it is at our house . . .

Click on the picture to see a more clear view.

I am so tired of . . .

day after gray day of no sunshine, not even a peek of sunshine. Doesn't a living thing die after going too long without the sun?

well below freezing temperatures!!

warranty calls. I get way too excited when there is a real person on the line, especially friends.

that dumb box of cute clothes that will someday fit me. Yeah, right. Oh, and also the few outfits and shoes that are hiding in my closet, which actually fit but are not intended for 4 feet of snow and a city with no pavement or sidewalks. Thank goodness for my comfy, stained maternity hoodie that I am wearing today.

white. I'm really in the mood for greens, reds, oranges, yellows, more green. I even look forward to the black of nighttime. At least I can't see white and it means we are one day closer to summer!

exercise and diet. Not that I'm on some fad diet, just trying eat better and firm up/get rid of about 15 pounds. Today it feels like so much effort for so little return. Rolo's sound good, and I don't mean the ones around my mid section.

musty, stale winter smells. I'm fighting urges to open up all the windows for even a few minutes of fresh air. Of course that would be freezing fresh air, which is hard to take a deep breath of.

toilets and diapers. They just add to the smell. And why hasn't someone invented a self cleaning toilet? Who cares about an oven that will clean itself for the one time a year that I might actually clean it, toilets need to be done almost daily.

all coversations initiated by my children that begin with "Can I".

6:00 am. I swear it comes earlier every day. And also 2:00 and 5:00. Why won't this baby sleep???

teething. Poor little man has 4 top ones coming in all at once. Yeah, ok, so that is why he isn't sleeping.

whining. That of my children and now myself.

Civic Dance Recital

It was a spectacular night! I might have been consumed by the aweful head cold that I was trying to pretend that I didn't have had it not been for Levi and Chad going with me. They were almost as entertaining as the dancers.

Chad, Erika, Chelsea, Levi

Lance and Erika (dance partners)

Good thing we had Chad to pack around her half ton girly bag! And notice: no shoes. According to Erika "shoes are only for dancing".

Due to the random breaking out in air guitar and head banging (yes, even with ballroom dance music), I had to remind these two that we were at a dance recital, not a rock concert.

And of course we ended up with the 4th annual 10 pm run to Subway after the recital. I have a couple of pictures of that too, but there is food hanging out of mouths and some not so pretty, though side splitting funny, moments that we will keep to ourselves.

The videos actually weren't that bad but after loading them on blogger they are really fuzzy - sorry about that.

This is an awesome dance to see and hear on a gym floor - it's just to crowded and quiet on stage.

Strange background color choice by the lighting guys, I know.

Back to the 80's

We've been having trouble finding TV shows that we feel are appropriate for Derek and Justin. Levi and Erika never watch it and Nathan has his favorites but the middle boys are stuck between 'baby' shows and all of the stuff out there that isn't meant for pre-teens (at least in our mind). We own 3 seasons of MacGyver and they have loved those but they've been through them several times. They want shows with a story, a little detective work, a fancy car or a hero. Ok then, Netflix here we come.

Yea, it's not HD clear, the songs are "old sounding" and the acting a little, well, not quite academy award winning. However, language is at a minimum, girls are dressed and they have the car, hero and mystery.

Now admit it, who had a crush on David Hasselhoff?? I did. I loved his wavy hair, which in my adult opinion looks more like an Afro on a white guy but hey, I was 12 at the time.

Ha . . I know some of you broke out into some sort of middle school swaying dance moves while that was playing! And how many of you can sing every single word of the theme song? LeRoy and I did a great job embarrassing our kids as we belted it out in complete 80's fashion. Cheesey, you bet. But great family entertainment!

* Ok - so after I posted this I looked up what years these shows played. I am now hoping that at least a couple readers of this blog will have heard of them. Most of you were probably born in the early 80's so at best it might only be a vague memory. Trust me, listen to it a few times, you'll have it stuck in your head all day!

Sunday 8:05 pm

Ahh, the little boys are in bed. Everyone else is doing something quiet. Finally, I can take my throbbing sinus headache and aching body for a nice vapor bath.

Wait! What is that "ahh uhhh ahhh uhhh" bouncy sound coming from the boys room??? They should be going to sleep.

For a few minutes I didn't even notice my throbbing head. How could I not take a break from all worldly cares or pains to record this moment in brotherhood bonding? Little stinkers.

The Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching,

Stuffy Head, Fever, Sore Throat and Nose Club:
LeRoy, Kimberly, Erika, Derek and Hyrum.

"A nose in need deserves Puffs indeed."

Let the Races Begin!

Justin took full advantage of Levi and Chad's customizing abilities to get his Pinewood Derby car finished. The final product left paint stains in the sink, black hands from all that graphite, and one pretty happy scout.

I don't want one comment on the lack of patches on this kids shirt. That's what comes with being the 3rd scout in the family.