Emotional Honesty

I was looking for pictures for Kara and ran across this one again. It is a picture that Levi took when Hyrum was only a couple of days old.


At first I was going to delete it because it really doesn't show anything and then as I looked closer at it I realized that it represents very well how I felt during the first few months of Hyrum's life. There I am holding my baby and life just did not slow down. I wanted it to but there was the move, 4 kids still in school, a 2 year old who never slows down, and the office that couldn't wait for me to "recover". I was in a foggy place, trying to stand still and life was racing past me, not waiting for me.

I can now say however, that I am finally coming out of that foggy place. My only regret is that I have somehow mentally blocked out so much. I don't really remember moving other than mom being here to do most of it (THANK YOU!!) and I wish I could remember more happiness and less crying when I think of those first weeks/months with Hyrum. I'm finding that as I emerge from the fog that I am starting to remember happy moments with Hyrum. I was writing in his journal and really trying to think of the peaceful times and I found that they are there, the memories were just consumed with so much other stuff.

Last Thursday I had a very emotional day . . crying for no reason, or crying for any silly reason that came to mind which just seemed jiberish and non-sensical. It reminded me very much of the crying that had gone on shortly after Hyrum's birth and I was so grateful that this time it only lasted a day and was done. The last few weeks have been getting better and better, less emotional mayhem and more mental/emotional stability. This little experience seemed to be a bit of a cleansing moment which left me in a better place. Now my head seems even more clear and it is so nice to finally see and feel glimpses of me again.

That whole pregnancy and post-partem stuff just isn't any fun for me. Someday I want to understand the purpose of all this hormonal, emotional, mental chaos and why such a beautiful, life changing event (a new baby) can't just be soaked up with pure love, joy, and happiness instead of being tainted with the physical mess that seems to dominate the experience. It really takes a toll on me, our family and especially our marriage. All I can say is "Whew, we've made it again"!

5 Months Old

Already to big to enjoy a Bumpo

Old enough to love the high chair

A Kellie Memory

On the first day of school I made up 15 jars of apricot syrup. It smelled so yum to have it boiling in the house. The next morning we enjoyed it over french toast.

All of the blending of the fruit, measuring out the ingredients, smelling it boil, eating it and seeing those beautiful orange filled jars brings back awesome memories of being in Springville with Kellie and Shawn. Levi mentioned how eating apricot syrup reminds him of them as well.

I remember our first time making syrup together and having Erika climb to the most remote parts of their apricot tree to pluck as much fruit as she could. She had no fear of the tree, actually she loved it! We made a sticky mess of Kellie's kitchen as we washed, cut, blended, measured and even snitched in the beautiful fruit. What a fun time!

Even though that was probably 6-7 years ago and they have since sold that house I think apricot syrup will always remind us of the fun times in Springville - we love you guys!

Stake Conference Thoughts

I really liked Stake Conference with Kara. Maybe some of it had to do with the fact that I only had to get Hyrum and myself ready, not a whole family of 8.

Elder Ballard was one of the speakers and I did enjoy his comments on overcoming trials but I really liked Kara's Stake President's talk. He used a quote that I have in my quote book but hadn't read for a while. It is from President Benson: "When we put God first, all other things will either fall into place or drop out of our lives". I needed to be reminded of that. We are being tugged and pulled so many different directions - and so many good directions - that sometimes the best things are set aside.

Another point that I loved was when he used the scripture in 1 Kings 19:11-12. The point of the talk being that the Lord is not in the wind, earthquake or fire but in the still small voice. He then went on to talk about making sure we can hear the still small voice. He also mentioned attending the temple and quoted a wonderful quote by President Hinckley which had great promises in it. I wish I had the quote!

So, I am working harder at making sure that I have quiet time to hear the still small voice ("Be still, and know that I am God" comes to mind). "Making" quiet time may seem a little forced but I find that I do love being the first one up in the morning and I really do feel a connection with my Heavenly Father early in the mornings if I take the time to pause and recognize Him before heading into the mothering responsibilities of my day. I also would like to get to the temple again. I wait far to long in between and often find myself blaming that on LeRoy being too busy but I am capable of going myself. The last few times I have been there have been great experiences where I receive direct and immediate answers to the concerns in my life and I crave that experience again. Why am I so silly to put it off until I'm desperate for an answer or direction?

The Utah Trip

I've been waiting to post this because I wanted to get the other pictures from Mom and Kara first but I realize that I can post without a 'bazillion' pictures - as Erika would say.

The trip was fun. I wasn't needing to really run away from my kids, family, life or anything but I realize that having time to do what I would like without all the extra taking care of so many other responsibilities at the same time is nice once in a while. We ate a Zupa's (great salad and soup!!), visited, shopped, visited, ate at Sweet Tomatoes, visited with Autumn, watch a little of the Olympics, ate Rumbi salads, watched food network and ended on Sunday by going to Stake Conference with Kara.

Shopping was ok - I really don't like shopping to begin with. I did find a great skirt, some beautiful shoes and a couple of shirts. I really should have shopped for Hyrum but the boys ran out of shopping steam, though they did go for a good 5 hours, and then the mommies all realized we had run out of shopping steam as well.

Visiting with Autumn was so great. I miss her. That last time I saw her was when Landon was Hyrum's age and now Landon is running all over chasing the cat, chattering and being a typical 2 year old - though he seemed very obedient for a 2 year old.

Maybe the funnest part of the trip was seeing Max and Hyrum together. Even though they are only 3 days apart, they are so different in personality, even at only 5 months old. Hyrum is very laid back, doesn't move around much, grins but not freely, sleeps best in and enjoys his carseat and is total chub. Max is very laid back, constantly moving and observing, smiles and giggles at everything (so Adorable!), really doesn't like his carseat and is tall and slender. We weighed the boys and found that Max is 14 pounds and Hyrum 17 pounds and Max is taller. This picture doesn't really show the difference in size but the ones we took of them just in their diapers shows that they are build very different. Every once in a while Kara and I would notice similarities in their features but wonder if it is just baby similarities rather than really looking at all like they share family features. Either way they are both fabulous little boys and we adore them.

When I drove back home I realized that it was the first time since February that I had left for a 'me' trip. As I was coming into Rexburg, I realized that I didn't live in the blue house any more. It was such a strange thought to not go there. I don't miss the house but sometimes I miss the memories that were made there - does that make any sense? Our little family grew to a big one and did a lot of growing up there. However, pulling up into our new house was also familiar and I was amazed at how big and beautiful of a house I live in. I am so spoiled to have a husband who is supportive of my selfish trips away, kids who are great about keeping things clean while I'm gone and taking care of Nathan and I'm definetly spoiled to live in such a great home. My whole life is more than I ever imagined it would be!

Another School Year Begins

It used to be so easy to get them to smile for a first day of school picture! With all of them leaving at different times for 4 different schools, I'm just happy that they "humored" mom for this one.

2008
Levi - Jr., Erika - Freshman, Derek - 7th, Justin - 4th,
Nathan 2, Hyrum sleeping

I love seeing how they change from year to year.

2007

2006

2004

We didn't have a working camera in 2005

Learning from Wall*E

LeRoy took the kids to see Wall*E while I was in Utah. The kids are claiming that the movie is where Nathan learned to do this with a bra.

Erika was initially embarrased that her bright pink bra was confiscated by her 2 year old brother but then joined in the giggling, Derek and Justin were disgusted and yet laughed hysterically and I just watched for a moment not quite sure how to react. As you can see, rather than say anything I took a picture.

He passed!

I didn't doubt that he would pass but all the guys at work kept teasing him so much that he was worried. He did "excellent" on the driving test, according to the instructor. I think it has a little to do with being 16.5 instead of 14.5. Personally, I think 16 is a bit more mature in thinking, just a tiny bit :D - thus our decision to have him wait.

Heading off to work in his car . . all by himself.

I tease Levi about his "old junker car" but he adores it. I think he just likes that fact that he has a Thunderbird - regardless of what it looks like. I like it because a mechanic told us that whatever he would hit in an accident would be demolished and probably not even hurt him because it is built so tough (hopefully we never find out), and I like the fact that he isn't driving our expensive family vehicle around town without me. Having a 70's car on the insurance also saves us about $1000 a year when adding Levi to the insurance, although is still cost us about $1200 a year to add him.

When I got home from Utah I asked him how it felt to drive himself home in time for curfew. He just gave me a huge grin! Ah, the new found freedom of having a license!

A Week Gone Already!

It may seem that all I have done for the week is scrapbook but I did actually get a lot of To Do's off my list. This has been a crazy, productive, busy, hectic week but a good one. Now I am waiting for my clothes to finish drying so I can be all packed and ready to leave for Utah tomorrow.

This is some of what has been going on:

* All invoices are current, taxes paid, bills paid, office totally caught up! Yay!!

* Wednesday morning we left the house (all 7 of us!) by 8:30 and we spent 2 1/2 hours registering kids in 4 different schools. This took so long because we had to meet new teachers, find out where classrooms were, arrange lockers with friends, have pictures taken for activity cards and of course the schools all wanted $$. Nathan and Hyrum were so patient!

* Thursday morning (this morning) I left the house with Levi and Derek by 7:45 to get to an orthodontist appointment by 8:25 in Idaho Falls. Everyone was going to go again but Justin, Erika and Nathan slept in so they were left home which made the school shopping for Levi and Derek easier.

* Made it home from Idaho Falls in time to get some laundry done, tidy the house and make dinner for 3 extra people (2 teenagers and a guy from Iowa who is building the AutoZone that we are wiring).

* I tried a new recipe (broiled Tilapia) and it is soooo yummy! Thanks Sarah!

* Erika, Derek and Justin each earned $15 doing yard work at the Hibbard Elementary School.

* I finally took the time to get the tire fixed on the Yukon. We have been filling it about every other day but I decided I didn't want to go to Utah with it doing that . . and 20 minutes to myself was needed, even though it was in a greasey, smelley, testosterone shop.

One little ego-builder for me this week was when we were doing school registration for Levi and Erika at the High School (even though Erika will be attending the Jr. High she is considered a freshman so had to pay some fees at the HS). As we left the school Erika put her arm around me and said "you were the best looking mom in there". It made me feel good considering I do try to make it a point to actually do my hair and get out of my pajamas when I go to the schools knowing the kids will be with me and their friends will be there. I could care less what any of the people at the school thought but I want Levi and Erika to be ok with being seen with me. I guess it was ok considering Levi let me 'chill' with his buddies while we were waiting for ID cards and I even forged a parent signature for one of the boys. I know the mother well (went to school with her from K-7th grades), they live in Hibbard also and he was missing work to register.

Erika's ego was built a little (not that it needed it) because Levi's buddies thought she was hot and weren't afraid to say so. What ever happened to learning names first?

Levi had an emotional moment as we drove away from the school because he had found out that one of his friends (non-member, great kid, fun to have at the house) had been sent to live with his mom in another state because he had started smoking and doing drugs. So sad!

And for the not so good of the week:

* our computer ended up with a terrible virus and is a complete mess. Anyone heard of Antivirus XP 2008? Not good - huge mess! At least it was the 'kids' computer' and not the office computer.

* our debit and credit card numbers were 'compromised' so on Saturday we chose to close both of them, order new ones on Monday morning, and they are already here. Minor inconvenience but thankfully it didn't cost us anything.

* the weeds are taking over the 1/2 acre that didn't get sod. I can't believe how fast they have grown and spread!

Tomorrow morning Levi takes his driving and written tests to get his license. I'm thrilled that he will have it but not looking forward to the MAJOR increase in insurance. It is ridiculous.

Well, my clothes should be done. I'm going to bed, getting a great night sleep, starting the day at 6am and everything is going to go just as planned. . . I hope. How could this not be a great trip? I get a massage, time with Mom, time with Kara, a short visit with Autumn . . . a breather before the insane schedule of school starts all over again. I'm ready!

Scrap Happy!

Actually there are no scraps involved since it is all digital.

I'm not sure where the sudden urge to scrapbook came from but it sure has been productive. I've finished 19 pages since last Tuesday and I'm in such a zone that each page is only taking 10-15 minutes. Though I completely enjoyed it back then, it sure beats the "olden" days of dragging the tub of supplies out to sit in front of a movie and finish only 1-2 pages in 2 hours. It is also great to not deal with tons of printed photos. I scrapbook them and then delete them from Picasa because I have them all on cd's in a binder. That way I know that everything that shows up in Picasa needs to be scrapbooked. Wierd that I enjoy emptying these folders.

Here are the 2 I just finished. I've added the others to the web album and put them in order if you want to see.

This mood may have come on because my foot hurts so bad. It's very reminiscent of sitting at the computer to blog because my pregnant body was comfortable in this chair. Now it just keeps me off my foot. I probably should go get it x-rayed again and be put in the boot but the darn podiatrist charged me $415 for 45 minutes and 2 pictures (and it only went to the deductible) so I'm not going back there. Anyone have a boot I can borrow?